


Positive Reinforcement

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Don't Ask Don't Tell, Fix-It, M/M, Promises, Sacrifice, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2018-01-27 22:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1723919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When John realizes that Rodney didn't reject him because he wasn't interested, he does what is necessary to win him over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Positive Reinforcement

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Operant Conditioning](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1723898) by [velocitygrass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass). 



> Sequel to [Operant Conditioning](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1723898) and takes off directly after that ends.
> 
> I really dislike happy endings, so I've finally written a sequel to fix this. It's not easy and sacrifices have to be made. But in the end, I believed John would convince Rodney to give them a chance.

John tried to tell himself that he'd be fine. They were still friends. At least he hoped they were still friends. Rodney liked him. A lot. John was sure of that. But then he'd also been sure that there was more, that he wasn't alone in wanting not just friendship but a relationship.

There'd always been moments between them... But Rodney's rejection had been convincing. He hadn't even looked as if he wished things were different. He hadn't even pitied John. His face had been completely blank, and that more than Rodney's words convinced John that he'd been wrong.

He must have only seen what he wanted to see. Maybe the banter had never meant to have been flirty, and the intensity in Rodney's gaze sometimes was merely concentration.

It hurt. Not just the rejection, but having read the situation so wrong. One of the reasons he'd fallen for Rodney was the feeling that they understood each other implicitly. They'd clicked on a level that John hadn't experienced before, and the idea that it had only been the case for _him_ not both of them made him want to hide.

They avoided each other for a short time after that, but John told himself that he needed to get over his feelings. They were still on the same team—and John certainly didn't want to change that—and he missed Rodney as a friend.

Thankfully Rodney didn't seem to mind resuming his friendship with John.

But as the weeks went on, John couldn't help the feeling that something had changed. At first, he'd assumed that Rodney had made an effort to tone down anything too personal. It made sense to avoid what he must have felt contributed to John's incorrect assumptions about his feelings.

But with time John realized that it wasn't just him. He also seemed more toned down with Teyla and Ronon. He still got that spark in his eyes when they found an interesting artifact, but when it came to people, there was only disinterest. Though even that wasn't the right word. It was that horrible blankness that he'd first seen when Rodney had turned him down. It wasn't as stark as in that moment when John had expected pity or sadness. Rodney did express impatience, disgust, and rarely admiration; he still interacted with people as necessary, but it was subdued. It didn't feel real.

When a pretty scientist fell over herself admiring Rodney on one of their missions, Rodney didn't even react with that awkward mixture of surprise, pride, and cluelessness. John suddenly had the suspicion that something must have happened. He didn't think it could have been his confession to Rodney. At least not that alone.

He hoped it wasn't something that had happened on a mission, something that he should have prevented or at least noticed. Worst cases sprung up in his mind, and John scheduled a mission to the planet of the loose morals as they'd joked before. He was relieved when Rodney didn't excuse himself and took a pretty woman up on the offer to go home with her. He wasn't _happy_ to see Rodney with someone else, of course, but when he saw them together, he also knew he had no reason to be jealous.

Rodney treated the woman like every other person lately, as a commodity.

John wasn't sure what to do. He missed that spark of life in Rodney, the challenge or mischief or humor and especially the flirtiness in his eyes and the curve of his mouth. But he didn't know what to do. He could hardly tell Rodney to stop acting like an automaton. He'd deny it. John was half tempted to do it just to get a rise out of Rodney, but he feared that it would only put Rodney on the defensive. And he didn't think he could bear Rodney stating nothing was wrong in that blank expression.

~~

Lara was extremely pretty and not shy about her interest in John. She was so forward that John quickly regretted his playful and vague response to her advances. But then he saw a flash of anger in Rodney's eyes. Rodney quickly hid it, but his jealousy was obvious, and John had never been so glad about it in his life.

There was still some emotion left in Rodney.

When John flirted back, but didn't manage to elicit further reactions from Rodney, he stopped, resolving to try harder in the future.

He teased Rodney the next time they played chess, needling him until Rodney raised an eyebrow. "You're particularly obnoxious today, Colonel," Rodney said, and John broke out in a grin. Rodney rolled his eyes.

John kept trying to win little moments from Rodney. He didn't always manage it, and he could see Rodney actively trying to fight it, but John kept going. He never said a word to Rodney about what he was doing. He never explicitly encouraged or praised him. He was too afraid that if Rodney realized what he was doing, he would shut down completely.

John still didn't know what had caused this change in Rodney in the first place. His instinct told him that he might never know because Rodney would never tell him and John would never dare to ask.

They weren't at the place where they'd been before John's kiss, but they were making progress, and that was enough for John for now.

~~

The mission had gone south fast. The natives had started shooting arrows and spears before they'd even reached the village. They'd split up to take cover, but Ronon still had been hit, and the natives were hidden well enough that they couldn't just take them down with their P-90s.

"How are you holding up, Ronon?" John asked into his ear piece.

It was Teyla who answered. "He is not well. We need to take him back to Atlantis."

John exchanged a look with Rodney. For Ronon not to say he was fine, things had to be _really_ bad. He needed a plan and fast. Ronon would be dead if they waited for another team to be sent after they failed to check in. But the road back to the gate was in plain sight.

"I'll distract them and take out as many as I can," John eventually decided.

"What? Are you—" Rodney began, but John cut him off.

"You need to give Teyla cover so that she can help Ronon back to the gate," he said firmly.

"But you..." Rodney said with big eyes, looking towards the village, where the natives were waiting for them to get out of cover.

"You get Ronon back and can send a team after me," John said, though he wasn't sure there'd be anything left to save by that point. He didn't have a lot of options. Maybe if he was lucky and wasn't hit and he killed a few of them with his P-90, they'd back off. Well, he could dream.

Rodney stared at him, fear and worry in his expressive eyes. It was beautiful to see him like this. John drank in the sight. It could be the last time he saw Rodney, and he was glad that it wasn't the blankness but a full range of emotions.

"Teyla, are you ready?" John asked.

"We are ready," Teyla answered.

"On three," John said.

Rodney lifted his hand as if wanting to protest.

"One," John said, and when Rodney's lips started to tremble he put a hand on his neck pulling him close enough for their foreheads to touch. "Two," he said, then pulled back enough to look at Rodney. "Three," he said, pressed his lips to Rodney's in a quick goodbye, then jumped up and started running towards the village, firing shots left and right.

He could hear shots from behind him as well and felt arrows zooming towards him. He ducked them and kept running, glad for every arrow or spear that came towards him, because it was one less arrow going after the rest of his team.

Eventually an arrow hit him in the leg. He went down, but kept shooting, until he felt something graze his neck. "I hope that wasn't an artery," was his last thought as darkness claimed him.

~~

When John opened his eyes, he was in the infirmary. He wasn't dead. He was ready to smile in relief when he remembered his team, especially Ronon's injury. He turned, finding Teyla sitting next to him.

"Ronon?" he asked.

"Will be fine," she assured him, turning to her other side.

Behind her, John could see Ronon sleeping in a bed. Good. His team was fine. His eyelids felt heavy but he looked around. "Rodney?" he asked weakly.

"Is fine as well," Teyla said.

That calmed John down enough to fall asleep again.

~~

When he woke up again, it was dark in the infirmary. He heard a noise and spotted Rodney leaving. "Rodney?" he called after him, but Rodney didn't stop and disappeared out the door.

A nurse came out to check his vitals and give him more details on his and Ronon's condition. John tried to listen. He could talk with Rodney tomorrow.

~~

Rodney was nowhere to be seen the next day and the day after. When John was finally released with the strict order to rest, John contacted Rodney via the comm.

"Wanna play chess?" he asked.

"I'm busy," Rodney said.

"Something happened?" John asked, suddenly worried. He hoped there wasn't a crisis that they had kept from him because they thought he needed time to recover.

"No, no," Rodney said immediately, obviously sensing his concern.

"Ah," John said relieved. "Then you'll have time to play chess? After dinner?"

Now that he'd admitted there wasn't a crisis, Rodney didn't really have an excuse. He seemed to know that because he grudgingly said, "Yes."

"Or make that dinner and chess," John said, not willing to hobble to the mess hall and back. "Bring something and I'll set up the board."

Rodney sighed, but didn't protest.

~~

At 6:30 Rodney appeared with a tray full of sandwiches and two cupcakes.

John dug in, noting that Rodney avoided looking at him. "So what are you working on currently?" John asked to get him talking.

"Just regular maintenance and keeping the idiots from blowing something up," Rodney said, still not looking at John.

John wasn't sure what was wrong. This was as bad as after he'd first kissed Rodney. Oh. Right. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

This got Rodney to look at him for a moment, but he quickly dropped his gaze again.

"Actually, I'm not sorry, but I shouldn't have done it," John amended. "It was inappropriate, and for that I apologize."

Rodney gave him another quick glance. Then he stopped eating, his jaw clenched. John didn't know what to say. Suddenly, Rodney got up and walked towards the door. John quickly got up as well and asked Atlantis to lock the door. Rodney turned to him, eyes blazing, then he tried to calm down.

"Do you want to yell at me?" John asked.

"There'd hardly be a point to it," Rodney said with forced casualness. "You'd do the same in the situation."

John was about to apologize for the kiss again when it occurred to him that Rodney might not be talking about that. "Someone needed to distract them to allow you to get to the gate."

"Of course," Rodney said flatly and dropped his gaze again.

"Rodney," John said and stepped closer, but he stopped when he saw Rodney backing away. "I'm not going to—" John stopped because he honestly didn't know what Rodney was afraid of. He couldn't think that John would hit him—or kiss him again in this situation.

Rodney shifted uncomfortably. "You could let me go," he said, eyes fixed on the floor.

"Rodney," John began. "We need to be okay. We're on the same team. And I hope...that we're friends."

Rodney didn't say anything.

"Do you want off the team?" John asked. Not that he'd allow it, but if Rodney wanted _that_ , there was much more to fix than he could have imagined.

Rodney managed to look at him. "That won't be necessary, Colonel," he said stiffly. His eyes were blank.

"Don't do this, Rodney," John said. He couldn't bear to see Rodney like this. "Yell at me. Insult me. Just not that formal bullshit as if..." they were nothing to each other, John finished in his head.

"Why would I yell at you? You did what was necessary," Rodney said in the same calm, lifeless voice.

"Kissing you wasn't necessary," John said defiantly. That earned him a spark of... _something_ in Rodney's eyes. John stepped closer to him, and this time Rodney didn't evade him, though he did straighten a bit, crossing his arms in front of him. "What would you do if I kissed you again?" John asked.

Rodney stared at him, but didn't say a word.

John came closer. "Do you want me to kiss you?"

"No," Rodney said, but his voice was wavering.

"Why?" John asked.

Rodney's gaze shifted away from John, but he didn't say anything.

"That shouldn't be so hard to answer," John said. Not if Rodney wasn't interested.

"It's not appropriate," Rodney said, gaze still anywhere but on John.

"It would be if we were involved," John said.

Rodney's gaze focused on him. "We can't be." This time there was no doubt in his voice.

"Why not?" John asked.

Rodney gave him an annoyed look. "Do you really need me to list the regulations we'd be breaking?"

John smiled inwardly at Rodney's display of emotion even if it was only annoyance. Then he thought about Rodney's words. "We don't have to tell anyone," he said.

Rodney's look turned ice-cold suddenly. John almost took a step back. "I know," Rodney said bitterly.

John frowned. Was this Rodney's problem? Was this the reason that he'd turned John down in the first place, although John had been certain that Rodney returned his feelings? "You want to be open about it?" John asked.

"If we were open about it, they'd send you back to Earth, so that's hardly an option," Rodney said pragmatically.

"That wasn't my question," John pointed out.

"What does it matter what I want when it's impossible to achieve?" Rodney said, his voice hard.

"You've been known to make the impossible happen," John couldn't help saying.

"Don't humor me, Colonel," Rodney said. After a moment, he added, "And I'd appreciate if you'd let me go now."

"So that's it?" John asked. "You want...this...us, but you don't want to hide, so you'd rather not have it at all?" He couldn't understand it at all. He was willing to get as much as he could. If it was only friendship, he'd take that, but he wasn't willing to give up so easily when Rodney clearly reciprocated his feelings at least on some level.

"What exactly would I have?" Rodney asked, almost sneering. "A stolen kiss here and there, some fumbling in a closet, sneaking into your room at night, always making sure that nobody sees me?"

At that John knew that he'd been there before. He'd been there before, and it must have been so horrible for Rodney that he wasn't willing to do it again.

"Watching you flirt with women, not allowed to protest, not allowed to put them in their place," Rodney went on. "Being introduced as a 'friend' when we're on Earth, if you'd want me to meet your friends and family in the first place. And the next time we find you bleeding almost to death, I'll have to count the hours in the infirmary until it gets suspicious. Can I hold your hand while you're in a coma? Can I cry? Can I lose my fucking mind when we have to send you back in a coffin?" he finished with a shout.

John swallowed. "Is this what happened?" he asked quietly. "With him?"

"No!" Rodney shouted. "He got a fucking wife and a promotion. This isn't about _him_. This is about _you_. I can't do this! I can't kiss you and have you flinch every time there's a noise. I can't wake up at four am watching your back as you close the door behind you. And I can't live not knowing whether we'll ever be together openly or whether you'll die first, leaving me with nothing but grieving over a 'friend'."

John didn't know what to say. He wished he could tell Rodney that it wouldn't be like that. But unfortunately he was right.

"Will you please let me go now?" Rodney asked more calmly now.

John looked at him, then he nodded. He asked Atlantis to unlock the door. Rodney's gaze met his for a moment, and then he turned and left.

At least John knew what was going on now. It didn't make him feel better.

~~

John stayed in his room the next day, letting Ronon and Teyla bring him meals. Ronon's recovery was quicker than his. John's leg still hurt, and he wasn't allowed to put pressure on it.

Being stuck in his room made it that much harder not to think about Rodney.

The problem was that he could understand Rodney. Having to hide a relationship was never easy, and given the risks of their jobs and living on base would put even more pressure on them. John hadn't even considered the problems. They spent so much time together, so John had figured that doing something else behind closed doors wouldn't make a big difference.

But Rodney was right. Being in a relationship was more than kissing while talking, and fucking instead of watching a tv show. Maybe John hadn't thought of it because he had never been in such a situation. His last relationship with a man had been before he'd joined the Air Force. Rodney obviously had more experience in that regard.

A wife and a promotion. John wondered if that was how Paul would have seen John's life after they'd broken up. That was another relationship the Air Force had cost him. Not that Paul would have been right for him even if the Air Force had allowed it.

But Rodney wasn't Paul, and this wasn't something that John would want to leave behind him as a learning experience. He didn't want to lose Rodney. At their best, they were fantastic together. At their worst, they still always had each other's back. And John couldn't help feeling that the really worst times between them hadn't been fighting or disappointment, but trying to ignore their feelings.

He now understood why Rodney did it. His previous relationship with a member of a military must have deeply hurt him, but John didn't want them to sacrifice their happiness for that. His own experiences hadn't been great, but with Rodney he wanted to try. He wanted to make it work because he believed that it couldn't just be good, it could be great.

So what could he do to convince Rodney?

John kept asking himself this question over the next couple of days, but unfortunately he didn't find a solution. He couldn't be openly in a relationship with Rodney, and he couldn't ask him to hide because everything that Rodney had said about the cost of hiding was true. Politics might one day solve the issue of Don't Ask Don't Tell. There were still fraternization rules, but if they split up the team they would be okay. Not that John was looking forward to doing that, but he was willing to make sacrifices to prove to Rodney that their relationship wasn't _impossible_.

But there was no telling when Don't Ask Don't Tell would actually be repealed. The military was resistant to change, and John could see years going by. Would he be willing to wait five years? Ten years? More? Could he expect Rodney to wait that long?

Not that Rodney seemed interested in another relationship. John thought about his reaction to being flirted with women after John had first kissed him. It was as if that event had reminded Rodney of everything that could go wrong in relationships and that it just wasn't worth it.

He didn't want Rodney to believe that. But that meant he couldn't just wait and hope for Don't Ask Don't Tell to end.

There was only one other way that he could see them being openly together. But it would require sacrifices from both of them.

~~

Rodney had been quite withdrawn around John since their discussion, so John wasn't surprised when Rodney frowned at seeing John in his lab.

"Can I do something for you, Colonel?" Rodney asked.

"Don't call me that," John thought but didn't say. "I want to talk with you," he said out loud.

Rodney dropped his gaze, but then looked at John and gestured at the desk.

John leaned against it. "You were right," he said.

"I know," Rodney said, betraying no emotion except perhaps slight bitterness.

"Having a relationship under these circumstances will be difficult at best," John said, forestalling the protest Rodney was about to utter with his hand and by continuing, "so I won't even suggest it."

Rodney lifted his chin.

"What we'll have to do is change the circumstances," John went on. "I have two and half more years before my twenty years are up. Once I'm retired, the Air Force has no say in my relationships."

Rodney stared at him. John expected him to complain that leaving Atlantis was hardly an acceptable compromise, but instead he said, "You'd do that for me?"

"I'd do that for _us_ ," John said. He didn't like the idea. Atlantis was the best posting he'd ever had, but he wouldn't be able to do the job forever, and he wasn't willing to spend the rest of his life alone for a few more years here. He knew that he'd normally stay here as long as he could, until his body forced him to concede that he wasn't fit enough anymore. If he left when his twenty years were up, maybe he'd avoid the agony of questioning himself, and he'd have a higher chance of actually living to see retirement—with Rodney.

"This doesn't change what I said. I can't be with you as long as we have to hide," Rodney said.

"I know," John said. "I meant what I said. I agree that it's not acceptable for us. I didn't say this to get you to give in. I just wanted you to know that I haven't changed my mind. I want...us. We can only be friends now—and I hope we'll really be friends, and you won't feel the need to keep me at arm's length. But in twenty-nine months, we can be whatever we want. If you're willing to go with me." John waited, a bit nervous about Rodney's answer. He still wasn't sure if Rodney had considered the real ramifications of John's offer, that he'd have to give up Atlantis.

"If you haven't changed your mind in twenty-nine months, I'll gladly take up one of the many offers I have from universities and private companies," Rodney said.

"Leaving Atlantis," John said, just to be clear.

"Yes," Rodney said.

"Okay," John said. It was almost anti-climatic. Maybe because it wasn't real yet. This was just the beginning of a twenty-nine months waiting time until it would finally be real. "I won't change my mind," he added, remembering how Rodney had phrased it.

"Twenty-nine months," Rodney only said.

"I promise."

~~

Rodney was still cautious at first. He held back when they were together, but John didn't push him. He gave Rodney all the time he needed. John hadn't lied. This hadn't been a tactic to get Rodney to give in. It hadn't even been in the back of his mind that it could be a possibility. Rodney had been very clear that he wasn't up for a relationship under their current circumstances, and John didn't expect him to compromise and risk the destruction of their relationship before it really started.

It was better to wait for two and half years and do it right, than to do it in half-measures which might make Rodney—and John too for that matter—resent the situation so much that it began to taint their relationship.

Eventually Rodney seemed to accept that John really meant it. Slowly they went back to the easy banter between them, and John was happy to note that the flirtiness had a touch of anticipation rather than regret.

Rodney became more open with him—and others—and John basked in the time they spent together, seeing that spark of life in his eyes that he'd missed so much after he'd first kissed Rodney.

It seemed to John that it was even more pronounced than before that kiss.

It wasn't all sunshine and roses, though. Rodney still didn't like when someone flirted with John. Not actually being with John and having his promise that he'd leave Atlantis for Rodney, still didn't prevent the jealousy in Rodney. Worse were the times when one of them was hurt. It was never easy to see a teammate in pain, but for the two of them there was the added fear that they'd lose what they were waiting for before it had even started.

That fear didn't change their resolve to wait, though. A squeeze of hands or a hug was the only thing they allowed themselves, no matter how bad a situation got.

One year before his twenty years were up, John started writing the remaining months with a marker on a calendar in his room. He didn't want to put it in his office because he didn't want people to think he was looking forward to retirement. They would only misunderstand his motivations.

But Rodney saw it, and the way his eyes lit up made it worth it for John.

During that last year, the process of repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell finally took up speed. Eventually it seemed that it would happen three months after John's twenty years were up.

"They're finally doing it," Rodney said, pleasantly surprised.

"So it seems," John said more neutrally. He didn't trust their plans at this point. He'd believe it when he had the order on his desk. Or actually when he heard it in the news since he wouldn't be in the Air Force by that point any more.

The last few months on Atlantis were bittersweet. Stuck on Earth wasn't how John had wanted to go out. On the other hand it made it so much easier to leave. Waiting for the IOA to finally make a decision was driving him crazy. He was almost looking forward to retirement. And he _definitely_ looked forward to finally being with Rodney.

Their friendship had blossomed to become even deeper in the last years. In some ways it felt as if they were already together. Maybe because John had made his commitment when he'd given Rodney his word. And even if he hadn't, seeing Rodney so happy, more at ease with John and the world around him as time went by, would have kept John from considering anything that would put an end to that happiness.

When the day finally came, John calmy wrote up his official resignation and went to Rodney.

"Could you tell the SGC that I'm not their babysitter? If I didn't have to 'train' this neverending stream of brainless monkeys I might actually get something done here," Rodney said.

It occurred to John that Rodney had never asked the exact date of when he'd entered the service. Maybe he'd looked it up in his personnel file. Or maybe now while they were on Earth, he didn't see the need to leave Atlantis. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to hand this over to Woolsey today," John said, passing the letter to Rodney.

Rodney quickly read it. "You'd really do it," he said with blinding smile.

"Yes," John said seriously. "And not would but will. I promised you, and I intend to keep my word. Unless _you_ changed your mind."

"Don't Ask Don't Tell will be repealed in three months," Rodney said.

"If nothing else comes up," John said. "I'm not asking you to wait for it to actually happen. And there'd still be fraternization rules."

Rodney frowned. "You actually want to go through with it."

John's heart started beating faster. "You don't?" he asked, unable to help the way his voice broke on the second word. He couldn't believe that after all these months...

"No!" Rodney quickly reassured him. "I mean, yes, I want it. I want _you_. Us. But after they announced the plans for Don't Ask Don't Tell, I figured we could be together without having to leave."

"I...I can wait another three months if that's what you truly want, but I've made my peace with leaving now. Just sitting here and waiting for the IOA to call isn't my idea of fun anyway, though I could understand if you wanted to keep working here—brainless monkeys notwithstanding," John added the last with a smirk.

Rodney watched him with a look of wonder. Then he got up and stood directly in front of John. "When you first kissed me, I decided that I couldn't risk my heart even one more time."

John swallowed. He remembered that moment all too well.

"But then you wore me down. You kept on _not_ disappointing me over and over and over," Rodney went on.

John snorted. "It was easy once I knew that you wanted it too."

"No, it wasn't easy," Rodney said seriously. "Believe me, it wasn't easy. I've been there. I've seen others fail. They didn't care or they couldn't commit. They never even managed to make that promise let alone keep it."

John didn't know what to say. He only knew that the others must have been idiots to let Rodney go.

"I didn't think I'd ever be ready to trust someone with my heart again," Rodney finally said. "But I am. I love you, John."

"I love you too," John said.

Rodney lifted his hand and cupped his face. Then he pulled it away again. "Let me fill in my own letter of resignation so we can get this show on the road."

John gave a short laugh. Then he became serious. "Are you sure?"

"I promise," Rodney said with a confident smile.


End file.
